Day 94: Sober “work party” anniversary !

As I buckle up to face the holiday cravings and fears (yay my first Sober Xmas!!), here is a quick post to mention a “big” change that I hadn’t suspected and really surprised me this week.

Three months ago, almost day for day, I flew back from France to the U.S.A, ready to take on the last year of my PhD program and the beginning of my sober journey. I had allowed myself “one last goodbye” drinking evening, which coincided with my arrival date and my department’s “Welcome/Fall reception”. I will skip the details of the evening, which consisted in drinking [FAST and A LOT] just a couple of hours after getting off a 15h fight, while jet-lagged, at a boring/stressful reception, probably embarrassing myself in drunken convo with faculty members (I blacked out at the end of the evening so can’t even remember), then getting properly smashed on a rooftop with friends, stealing other people’s drinks, being a dick, miraculously getting home (thanks to a good friend) and spending the whole next day throwing up and facing my boyfriend’s wrath/disappointment that I chose to get drunk over seeing him after my long trip to France.

Long story short, that evening in September, I drank 1) to get through the yearly event at my university which would usually trigger intense stress, impostor’s syndrome, even severe anxiety over the past five years (depending on how low my self-esteem was that year and which kind of [DRUNKEN] drama I had created with various people {i.e. mostly BoooOOoooys} in the department), and 2) to say “bye bye” to alcohol: I drank so much because I was so scared of letting go and never being able to drink again. Needless to say, I can now see that drinking never helped in any of the ways I thought it did/would, and ALWAYS made me feel worse the next day, with the guilt, shame, headache, harsh inner dialogue. Oh, and not so occasional vomit … Blergh

OK, fast forward three months to this week and my department’s “End of Semester – Holiday Reception”… Yet another moderately stuck-up gathering of academics around a buffet, where many people do get kind of drunk because, well, academics are not the best at social skills and often do rely on the lubrication of alcohol to get the giant broomsticks out of their asses (that’s a french expression, I don’t know if it exists in english^^) 🙂 Oh, and several of them are clearly already alcoholics and have been drinking almost daily for years – some of my friends are. I count myself among this group.

And GUESS WHAT, being sober this time was not even a big deal – by now it’s become “normal”. I didn’t feel like I was missing out on much. I noticed other people were sipping San Pellegrino too. This time, I was more focused on the crab cakes and cheesecake than on the shitty wine (I might be sober but I am still a French snob who grimaces at the sight of a screw-cap wine bottle). More importantly: for the first time at one of these events, I noticed how being sober allowed me to remain calm and composed as I happily chatted to faculty members. — I even confidently had a 30 minute talk with my advisor and a retired SUPERSTAR professor/expert in my field, whom I had just met. This would have been the COMBO FROM HELL a few months ago, and probably driven me to tears (and a drinking/bingeing decompression session in my bed) once it was over.

BUT NOT THIS WEEK 🙂 This week I was clear-headed and answered all the questions with ease and humor and (this is SOOO new for me) was ok with just BEING MYSELF (vs. putting on a show to try and be what I think I should be). The result was a wonderful and hilarious conversation where we really hit it off and my advisor complimented me and made many very nice comments in front of the superstar lady, and I smiled bashfully but also felt like my presence there was legitimate and ok (vs. a horrible masquerade). I really would have been INCAPABLE of this a few months ago and probably would have been hiding in the bathroom after spotting the famous professor, to avoid being introduced to her and having to “say stuff” in public.

Conclusion: all the performance anxiety and stress tied to these academic social events, which I [wrongly] thought drinking helped ease, has VANISHED, The only thing that has changed is that I have STOPPED DRINKING. Ergo, sobriety seems to have helped me build a LOT of self-confidence and an ability to just be, and somehow miraculously entertain the belief that being “me” is enough. And neither freak out nor lose my shit over some imaginary version of what I think I am supposed to be. This felt incredibly liberating and healing, and I am SO GRATEFUL to have been able to compare this event with the drunken-vomity one in September, and note the sharp contrast. This small realization is encouraging me to keep going on my journey and discover what other unsuspected healthy abilities I might develop and strengthen in the process. Long story short: being sober really does seem to help build self esteem and self confidence.

Oh, and it was “fun” to watch my fellow graduate students become drunker and sloppier as the evening unfolded, and I realized that I used to be the worst of us all and was really glad to not have made an ass of myself in public this time. And be the sober one to walk their drunken ass home, not vice versa ^^ Cue smug smile and pat on the back ^^

Hang in there everyoneeee !! xxx Anne